An Illusion Of Control

I’m shutting myself off again. Pushing through days, focusing on minutia and ignoring my emotions. There are many ways in which I isolate myself.  Over the past couple day’s my method has been sewing. I finished a tricky viscose top and made two pairs of sleep shorts. These projects have filled my mind, taken focus and concentration. I regain the illusion of control.

Issues arise when the project is complete. All those negative thoughts and feelings crash down on me. I grasp out for something else. Anything to stop the sick twisting of my gut. I pick up another project. All is well until fatigue takes me. I fall, crumpled in a corner, alone, crying.

It’s my friends birthday coming up at the end of the month. I’m too scared to say I’m not well enough to go. I know if I wait I will feel worse.I’m scared she’ll think me callous or uncaring.

My old work colleagues are trying to arrange a reunion. I cannot reply to any messages. I was at my lowest point when I worked with them. An unexplainable fear overwhelms me each time the memories leak into the present.

My husband suggested I should write a list of things I did today as that can often help put things into perspective.

  • Pilates
  • Cup of tea with ladies after pilates
  • Tidied back bedroom
  • Made Tilly and the Buttons Fifi bottoms in viscose

It doesn’t look particularly impressive, though the shorts took me about four and a half hours and I added cute little pompom trim to the hem. I don’t have the energy to share pictures right now. I don’t even feel particularly happy with having completed them, just desperate to do something else to regain that numbness.

I hope soon that I will feel in moderation. Then I can post about all the wonderful things I’ve created. I can explain how it was all just a blip and my life is a bunch of fucking roses (sorry mum).

Wish me luck, or health, or whatever you think will help.

Featured Image by one of my favourite artists, Chiara Bautista

Published by Rebekah Graves

For over a year now I have been on the way to recovery from an eating disorder and depression! One thing that’s helped me a lot is writing down my achievements. To start with it was little more than ‘got dressed’ or ‘ate without feeling anxious’. More recently my accomplishments have been more substantial. Here I will document my bakes, writing, crafts, textiles, gardening and other bits and pieces.

2 thoughts on “An Illusion Of Control

  1. Have you tried yoga? You don’t have to be flexible or good at it. For me, the movement and breathing helps bring me back into focus. There are free apps and YouTube videos.
    The All-In Yoga app is excellent. It moves slowly with examples of the poses.

    I also crawl into myself and hibernate in my house periodically. Flow through it. It’s ok to find routine and things you can control. The trick is to recognize that we can’t control everything.

    Like

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